ExpressionEngine 2.0
distant, early morning is now running ExpressionEngine 2.0.
... and back to our regularly scheduled programming.
=)
- Lisa, July 02, 2009 - 12:03pm .::. Respond (6)Painting, change, and love
I don’t leave my house often; truly, I prefer it that way.
That means that the paint colors in my house affect my mood more than they might someone that was here only to sleep.
When I first found this house I thought to myself, “nice, I don’t have to paint.” Well, it took only a month to realize that, yes, I did have to paint.
When I first moved out to Oregon I knew that the presence, or lack thereof, of the sun was a major problem for those affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder. I didn’t think that would be a problem for me - in fact, I dislike the sun. I burn in minutes, my eyes are light sensitive, etc. So that wasn’t an issue for me, so now discovering that my mood is somewhat changed by the interior color in this house comes as a surprise to me.
I’ve been, this past week, engaging more in self-reflection. I’ve asked myself many things: what do I want from life? what do I want from a partner, should I be lucky enough to find one that can put up with my cranky ways? What are my goals, and what are the sacrifices I would make to have that one special partner in my life?
Before I met Nathan I had a more ideal view of love. “Love,” I would proclaim “can overcome anything.”
Now, I’m 32, and I know better. That’s bullshit, love can not overcome everything; especially when it conflicts with other loves.
My love for Nathan could not overcome my love for my family. Having to choose distance from them to be with Nathan was an extremely painful thing for me, and ultimately, my love for Nathan could not overcome the pain of that loss.
I lost touch with many friends during that time, too, a sacrifice that I should not have had to make. Nathan didn’t ask that of me, mind you - I asked it of myself. The idealist, remember? Anything for True Love.
But I am not a good martyr - I am selfish. I wanted it all: my family, my friends, my love, in a nice, neatly packaged bundle.
8 years later and that hasn’t come true yet. My self-esteem, always shaky, is shot to hell. It’s not a wonder I hide away in my house; and yet it’s a very self-serving loop. I don’t go out, so I don’t make new friends, so my self-esteem crumbles, so I don’t go out.
Rinse and repeat.
And this is where my paint colors have helped my self-reflection. At least I’m staring at this, trying to face this problem head-on and recognize it for what it is. Can I break the pattern? I don’t know. But I do know that if I can’t, nothing can change, and the future will be just as lonely as the current.
I’m ready for a change; and I hope I’m strong enough to make it happen. Time will tell….
- Lisa, July 02, 2009 - 6:21pm .::. Respond (1)Hermit Connections
Life is twisty.
The lack of predictability is something I occasionally find unsettling; though in some situations surprise is pleasant. A surprise postcard, or even better, a surprise call from a close friend. These are surprises that I enjoy.
But for the most part my life being routine, predictable, is comforting to me. I occasionally upset the balance myself, bringing in a foster dog, for instance, or going to a social event that I might otherwise not attend.
Routine when you’re a hermit, however, has no real merit to it. I can’t just come home, hang out in the back yard and make new friends. To make those new friends I must break the pattern, leave the house, socialize. I do not do this well and although I have resolved, in the past, to do so - that resolution never stuck.
Over time I have become complacent in my efforts to reach out; at times I consider this and tell myself that I am simply accepting who I am. That is true - my nature tends toward the solitary. But even with a solitary nature I yearn for connection to those that know me and understand me deeply, that can see through the words I say to the deeper emotions. There are precious few in my life that can get through those walls, but I am blessed by having a few dear friends that can, indeed, see beyond those walls, or for whom the walls have come down.
I think that all too often people in this world take their friends and loved ones for granted. I know that I do, though I try to be aware of that and not to do so. With my friends, however, I know that those friends I have now may be the only friends that I will have for a long time and so it is easier for me to be intensely aware of their importance.
I don’t really know where I am going with this: it seems discombobulated, confused. But I suppose that makes sense with the conflicting desires to be both a hermit and to reach out and make new connections. I’ve bought a house here, I’ve settled - for good or for bad, I need to extend those roots and find similar souls with whom to share experiences with, to be close with, and perhaps even to find love with.
- Lisa, June 27, 2009 - 7:00pm .::. Respond (0)Reflection on the past and change for the future
It has been a long while since I have written something of consequence here. Elka and Mali are important to me, and I focus nearly entirely on them here. Or on the house.
It feels almost as if those three have replaced gaming - they represent, now, a way to escape. Something to consider without the pain of considering the true emotional challenges.
Furthermore, I quit writing. I don’t know when this happened - I believe in the first semester of Smith. Smith changed me, it seems. I don’t think it changed me in good ways. Yes, it gave me a degree from a highly respected college. While I worked there I, unbeknownst to me, created my future with EL. These are good things. But Smith also stole from me my desire to engage with myself and others, my desire to write, my joy in reading… But it is too easy to blame Smith. Before Smith there was gaming stealing those things, though not as wholeheartedly.
And of course, before that, there was Australia.
I am now able to reflect upon my time in Australia and my relationship with Nathan without the pain and tears. At least, I usually can. I regret, more than anything, leaving that life. But one has to eventually move on and I can’t live in that pain forever. Nathan and I split up for a variety of reasons, and I think we both had a lot of pain from it. I can imagine what he might say would be the reasons we split apart and they differ from mine; his reasons and my reasons are equally as important and equally as painful.
I have cared for others since Nathan, but none have come close to that potential, and I often think that is the most painful part of the regret.
This wasn’t quite where I had intended to go in this writing.
Smith changed me - not by itself, but it was the crowning catalyst. I read again now, it took me 3 years to pick up a book for my own enjoyment.
I still don’t write. But perhaps this here, perhaps this is the beginning of change.
Writing makes me feel whole. It is the only therapy that has ever seemed to help me. Sharing the consequences of my writing is interesting, though less consequential if at times embarrassing. When I wiped out my site I took down the old stories, poems, and free-writes, but I may bring them back.
I do need to begin writing again. Not want, need. I can’t seem to think clearly anymore; I feel that I’ve lost touch with my core self and that is permitting me to continue being a hermit, isolating myself, allowing myself to withdraw from society, and that is monumentally unhealthy and I can see that I will regret that in the future.
I hope that over the next days, weeks, and months the writing here will become more reflective, more meaningful. Or perhaps in a few months I will look over the archives and see posts about Elka, Mali, my house - and this, and wonder what happened to my resolve.
But I hope not, because writing just this has already helped and it has certainly become necessary.
- Lisa, June 25, 2009 - 6:58pm .::. Respond (0)New single point piercing
I’ve been wanting a new piercing, but didn’t know what to get or where. I was looking at my music & nature tattoo today and realized I had the perfect spot: the upper branch loop.
Didn’t hurt badly at all - barely felt it. Bled like crazy though. =) They have these new “flat” tops that I can get switched on to this in about 6 weeks.
I love it. So purty.
- Lisa, June 23, 2009 - 2:32pm .::. Respond (1)